Category Archives: Humor

Wordless Wednesday: The Disappearing Hand Trick

Disapearing Hand Trick

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The evolution of a fast food order during marriage

We were sitting down to yet another meal at our favorite local taco place and I started to think about how our food order has changed over the years.  Not big changes (we order the same type of food every time) but the little things.  We moved back to my home town not long after we were married and so we have almost 13 years of food history at this place.

1st married (year 1):

Food:
Super Nacho w/ jalapenos <– Steve
Bean Burrito (no onions, with sour cream & hot sauce) <– Me
Large soda to split

Frequency: every few weeks

Living on the property in a trailer (year 2-4):

Food:
Super Nacho w/ jalapenos
Bean Burrito (no onions, with sour cream & hot sauce)
Large soda to split

Frequency: Sometimes 2-3 times a week, always late at night as we would come home and work on the property then not want to cook in the tiny trailer.

Living in the house (year 5-8):

Food:
Super Nacho w/ jalapenos
Bean Burrito (no onions, with sour cream & hot sauce)
Large soda to split

Frequency: Back to every few weeks. Usually on the weekends during a grocery/lunch run.

Pregnancy/nursing (year 9):

Food:
Super nacho w/ jalapenos (shredded cheese instead of unknown liquid stuff) <– healthier??
Bean Burrito (no onion, with sour cream) <– no hot sauce (heartburn)
Water <– no chemicals in my baby

Life with a Toddler (year 10-11):

Food:
Super nacho w/ jalapenos (back to the unknown liquid stuff. Wohoo!) <–hubby starting to grumble at how much I am stealing his nachos now that toddler is eating my burrito

Bean Burrito (no onion) <–toddler has started to eat a large portion of said burrito so why bother with added cost of sour cream
Large soda (bring on the chemicals!) & water (for toddler)

Frequency: About the same as before.

Pregnancy, again (year 12):

Food:

See previous pregnancy

Frequency: Same as before

Now (year 13):

Food:

Super nacho w/ jalapeno (shredded cheese, jalapenos tucked on the side, chips on the side) <– toddler is now eating 1/3 of the nachos so switched back to better cheese
2 Bean burritos (no onions) <– said toddler is also eating most of a burrito greatly reducing what is available to me.  Baby is also stealing a lot of the bean out of the burrito and the meat off the nachos.  We realized we were leaving hungry.
3 waters <– baby and toddler = getting up too often to refill (read:lazy)

Frequency: About every other weekend with the occasional “we are in town so we are eating there”. Both girls would like us to eat there more often.  Evelyn gets visibly excited when she seems me coming with the tray.  Girl loves her beans and cheese.

I can only imagine our order and bill will slowly increase over the years.  At least we don’t have boys!

Taco Tree

The one time we tried a taco instead of a burrito. Too messy.  Went back to a second burrito.

 

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Wordless Wednesday: “Share my yogurt puffs? Is she crazy?!!”

Baby Yogurt Puffs

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Rose’s version of Puff the Magic Dragon

When Rose started to sleep in her own bed we upped the night time routine to include more stories and songs in an effort to concrete a more set bed time pattern.  This was also the time she was old enough to start paying attention to books more as we read then and to understand what we were singing to her (and try to sing along herself).  At this time I realized just how few children’s songs I know all the words too.  Twinkle twinkle? Check.  Rockabye baby? Check.  Anything else?  Umm, I knew the tune and a few words but that’s about it.  Unfortunately I wouldn’t realize this until about half way through the song so I would be stuck making something up to finish.  

For most of the songs I Googled once she was in bed and memorized the actual lyrics but with Puff the Magic Dragon, she got such a kick out of what I made up that I polished it up a little and have sung it ever since. I made it about her and her environment which she loved.  This of course got Nana in trouble when she tried to sing the real lyrics and Rose told her on no uncertain terms that she had it all wrong.  Especially since I had to change the tune just a little at the end.

The other night she was playing with a light up chick that her awesome aunt Gayle and uncle Ken got her and started singing the song.  Luckily Steve got it on video for posterity.

 Feel free to sing along.

Puff the Magic Dragon (Rose’s version)

Puff the Magic Dragon lived in the trees
And frolicked amongst the flowers
And ran amongst the weeds

Little Rosie Posey she loved that dragon so much
They went on grand adventures
Little Rosie and her Puff 

 

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Little Puff vs. Daddy Mountain

She forded the Pit of Lost Toys, rode the Wheelie Ride of Doom, fought her way past the Ball Dragon of Terror to triumphantly scale Daddy Mountain.  She is Little Puff!  Hear her roar!
  Daddy mountain

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The Deliciousness of Baby socks

“Great, so I’m stuck in the box.  What is there to eat around here?”
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 “Uuuu a sock!  I love socks!  Lots of fiber.”
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“Mmmm, tasty! Nomnomnom.”
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“I bet I can stick this whole thing in my mouth if I try hard enough.”
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“Look!  It’s stretchy like mozzarella!” —STREEEEEETCH!—
—TWANG!!!—  Dang! That flew halfway across the room!”
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“That was great!  What’s next on the menu?”
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Things kids say (#1)

The setting:
Rose picks up a small piece of candy that somehow found it’s way to our porch.

Rose: “What is this?”

Me: “It’s an old piece of candy sweetheart.  Throw it in the trash please.”

Rose:  “It’s not candy, it’s medicine.”

Me:  “No hon, it’s old candy.  Please throw it away.”

Rose: “No mommy.  It’s a pill that you give old people when they are dying.”

In my head: “Where did that come from???”

Little Miss Smartypants

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A letter to my post pregnancy hair

Dear Post Pregnancy Hair,

What.  The.  Heck.  Why in the world would you feel the need to change so much just because there was a minor (major) shift in my hormones.  Seriously what in Darwin’s law decided that the hormones required for baby making would also determine so much about how you look.  Before my first pregnancy, you were fairly straight all over.  Sure there was a hint of a wave but nothing that didn’t dry straight without the aid of a blow drier.  Now….  Now you curl like you were in hot rollers in one strategic area in the back of my head and the rest of you is as straight as an arrow.  Let me tell you, that is a lovely look.  NOT!  If I let you air dry, it looks like I put curly hair extensions back there and forgot to curl the rest of my hair to match.  You started to do this after the birth of my first child and I held out the vain hope that the second pregnancy would fix it or at least not make it worse but nooooooo, you had to get even curlier didn’t you.

The center-back of my hair.  Lovely curls.

 
The front-top of my hair. Iron board straight.
And the falling out you are doing?  Let’s talk about that.  Is this pay back for growing as fast as you did while I was pregnant?  You grew so long and fast when I was pregnant with Rose that I donated a bunch and still had plenty of length left over.  I remember this same thing starting about 3 months after Rose was born but I must have had a touch of PSD and buried most of the memory as I don’t remember it being this bad.  And for so long.  When I take my hair out of a ponytail at the end of the day just running my hands through you can give me enough hair to knit Evelyn a sweater.  Maybe that’s why?  Is this an evolutionary thing created to give mothers something to keep our babies warm with??? 
Google says that mothers are just loosing what they didn’t loose during pregnancy but I have to disagree with that.  There is no way that I am normally this bald.  I’m down to about half the amount I had 2 months ago and I don’t see the end yet.  My temples are looking decidedly thin and now top of my head looks a bit like a chia pet with all the new growth coming in at the same time.  Not cool!  Bottom line, postpartum hair loss, you suck.
 
Please stop.  My vacuum is begging you.
 
Your partially curly haired, partially bald owner,
Valerie

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Is my smart phone lowering my IQ?

I used to read my backlogged engineering magazines during down time at work (pumping/lunch/break).

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Now that I have a smart phone, I read Twitter and Facebook.  Hmmm.

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I also get my butt kicked regularly at Words with Friends and Hanging with Friends so maybe I’m at least I’m advancing my spelling skills. 

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When my 3 year old corrected my english

The scene: 6:10 am, trying to get my daughter out the door to daycare.

Me: Hurry hon, your toast is waiting for you by the door.

Rose:  Mommy, it’s not peoples.

Me:  What’s not peoples?

Rose:  The toast.

Me:  *blank stare* What do you mean honey?

Rose:  The toast is not peoples.

Me:  *light bulb* You mean the toast is not alive so it can’t be waiting for you?

Rose:  Yep.  Silly Mommy.

Yes, I was schooled this morning in proper English by my 3 year old.  This is why I am loosing so badly at Words with Friends.

I just know that I will be loosing to her too in a few short years.

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