Category Archives: Musing of Life

Those fascinating toddler minds

Rose+in+the+meadow

Every day it seems like I am finding new aspects of Rose’s personality and new things that she has learned when I wasn’t paying attention.  A few months ago we were sitting in the car and suddenly she starts counting.  Not just 1, 2, 3, 4 like we had been practicing but all the way to 12.  What???  Now she is up to 20.  Then a few weeks ago she suddenly starts singing the alphabet song with me instead of just listening.  Ummmm, when did that happen?

And it’s not all abc, 123 stuff either.  Her logical use of tidbits that she has overheard has us snorting with laughter on more than one occasion.  Just last weekend we were down in the orchard pruning trees when I had one of those sudden ‘must eat now or I will pass out’ moments that come with pregnancy.   When Steve told Rose that we needed to head up to the house immediately so that I could eat she asked why.  He told her that ‘Mommy needed to eat because the baby was eating all of mommy’s food’.  That afternoon we were driving home from a party and she demanded to eat.  We told her that she could eat when she got home.  She replied with
‘Rose needs to eat.  Baby in Rose’s tummy eating Rose’s food.  Rose needs to eat NOW.’  
Silly goose.

Oh my darling girl.  What new thing am I going to discover about you today?

Rose+Face

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Thoughts of a working mother

Being a working mother sometimes reminds me of how women with curly hair often wish it was straight and women with straight hair wish it was curly.  When I’m at work I miss my little girl like crazy and wish I could be home with her.  When I’m home with her for a week I start to wonder how the stay at home parents don’t go absolutely nuts.  I love my daughter to death but after a week straight of ‘Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom! x 3,000’ I’m thinking of investing in ear plugs.  I am not sure if I have the patience that it takes to stay at home with her all the time.  The toddlerness really tests my temper at times.

I also get restless and miss the adult interaction of the work environment.  A lot of my identity comes from what I do and I have a lot of pride in being an engineer. I know what I do will give my daughter a good example that she can be whatever she wants to be.

Plus, there is the biggest elephant in the room, money.  I posted a while ago about what the money I bring home provides for my daughter.  Without the hours I put in, the stress of balancing a demanding career and a demanding toddler and the terrible loneliness I feel sometime when I am sitting at my desk and know it will be a hours before I can wrap my arms around my little girl, I would never be able to have my daughter live in an place that will provide her a childhood full of natural wonders.

And, there is always that feeling that no matter how wonderful my daughters daycare is (and they are wonderful), if she was home with me, she would be learning all of my mannerisms, my expressions, my idiosyncrasies.  I would be the one helping to shape her personality for more than a few hours during the weekdays.  I would be in charge of every little thing that goes in her mouth and in her ears.

Most of me knows that she is happy and healthy and loved.  Most of me knows that my working is best for our family financially.  Most of me knows that I would be restless and unhappy at home all the time.  It’s that little part, deep down inside.  That little part that pokes me in the heart when I watch my daughter laugh over silly things or give me a hug and tell me she loves me just because.  That little part that wishes…..

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Sometimes…..

Most nights I let her cry.

 
Most nights I let her fuss.
 
Most nights I let her sooth herself to sleep.
 
Most nights I can walk away knowing that she will be asleep in a matter of seconds after I leave the room no matter the whining I hear through the door.
 
Sometimes I make an exception.
 
Sometimes I stay and stroke her soft head.

Sometimes I stay and sing to her softly.
 
Sometimes I stay and whisper my love to her.
 
Sometimes I stay and listen to her soft breathing as she drifts off into dreams.
 
Sometimes…..

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Things I learned on a vacation with myself

A few months ago my friend Melanee told me about an offer for two free nights at the Grand Sierra Resort in Reno.   At first I thought it would be a fun thing for Steve and I and Rose to do before my birthday.  Then I came up with the idea to make it a girls weekend and head up with my girlfriends as a getaway.  However, as the weekend go closer I started to come to a realization.  I was stressed.  And tense.  And overwhelmed with life. (Man I can feel myself tense up just thinking about it)  I was snapping at Rose when she didn’t deserve it (I can find a better way to deal with her spitting out her food) and overreacting to little things Steve did (who cares that he posted a picture on his account on Facebook instead of mine like I asked, its not that big of a deal).  My patience was gone.

Earlier this week, it became apparent to me that I needed to do something.  It just wasn’t healthy to keep going like this.

Luckily I have an awesome, understanding friend so now, for the first time in 18 months, (plus 10 if you count the pregnancy) I am spending more than a few hours alone.  It’s been an interesting experience as I have had to break out of my comfort zone in a number of ways.  But good.  Yes, very good.

A few things I learned a few things on my vacation:

  1. Even leaving work at 3pm doesn’t mean you will be where you want to be in time.  Or anywhere near it.  And that’s ok.
  2. If you travel over the pass on I-80 in the winter you may be stuck in traffic for two hours even though the road is “Open with only standard chain control”.
  3. Even with the delay (which was apparently Caltrans stopping traffic for some reason) Caltrans still rocks when it comes to snow removal compared to Nevadatrans (or whatever they are called).  Even compared to driving over the pass and down steep mountainsides, driving the relatively flat roads in Nevada was H.E.Double Hockey Sticks.
  4. Thank goodness for Subarus.
  5. Nothing shows you that you really are a “strong, confident woman” than driving above mentioned roads, by yourself, in the dark.
  6. I was reminded why I started liking Brendan Fraiser so much.  He was shirtless almost the entire time in George of the Jungle.  Stupid movie but……
  7. I am married but not blind and that’s ok.  (See 5.)
  8. I am fairly sure I need a new job.  Years of broken promises are hard to get over.  It’s made me very jaded for any new promises and even apparent changes in attitude.  Unless there is something material to back them up soon it’s just not worth it anymore.  I’ve become too bitter.
  9. Nail polish eventually dries up after 8 years and makes for a terrible manicure that you can’t remove because you didn’t pack any polish remover.
  10. Even a terrible manicure makes me feel a little more feminine and that’s a good thing.
  11. A medium bag of M&Ms; is a bit much for one person.  Consuming an entire bag is not an impossible feet but does make you feel a little icky.
  12. People watching in a casino is fascinating.
  13. It also makes me realize that I am apparently the last person on the face of the earth who doesn’t text.
  14. Eating lunch by yourself isn’t too bad if you have a good book.  A breakfast that you have to eat with two hands is a little stranger.
  15. Even if it’s been a few hours since you painted your fingernails, if you pick the above mentioned M&Ms; from your teeth with them, it will ruin your already terrible manicure.
  16. Eating by yourself, with the portion size in the US, leaves you with a lot of wasted food and makes you eat much more than you should.
  17. It feels good to walk with no agenda, no deadline, no little one clinging to your side/leg/back and even no distraction of another adult.
  18. It took a bit but I can walk confidently with no agenda, no deadline, not little one and no other adult.
  19. You can enjoy being by yourself but still miss your family terribly.
  20. Being alone can be a good thing.  It builds confidence, helps you to center yourself and makes you realize again that you and only you need to be the author of your own story, the maker of your own dreams, and the your biggest fan.

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The start of a new/old tradition

I have well loved memories of snuggling in bed at night with my mother when I was young girl and my dad was gone on business trips.  She would always do little things to make the time without my dad go quickly and keep my mind off his absence.  It may have been trips to McDonalds, renting a video (Splash, The Last Unicorn or The NeverEnding Story) or staying up a little late.  The thing that I remember the most though was climbing in bed beside her at night and knowing that she was beside me keeping me safe.

Steve has been gone on a business trip this week and while Rose has been handling it ok, last night I think she finally started to realize just how long he had been gone.  She was whiny, clingy and simply didn’t want to be further than 2 inches away from me all night.  Just very un-happyroselike.  So later that night, after a bath and jammies and tooth brushing I asked if she wanted to snuggle in mommy’s bed and watch Sesame Street.  She nodded her cute little head and led me into the bedroom with a big smile.  We cuddled under the covers, watching Elmo and Big Bird for a few minutes until she scootched down on the bed, pulled the covers up to her chin and wedged herself against me.  After I turned off the tv, I wrapped my long limbs around her tiny body and listened to her breathing slow.  I could feel her complete and utter trust in me.  Trust that I would keep her safe.  Trust that I would love her unconditionally.  Trust that I would always be there for her.  Just like the trust that I felt when my mom and I did the same thing so many years ago.  The circle is complete.

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Filed under Motherhood, Musing of Life, parenthood, Rose, Traditions

Worries

I have a whole bunch of fun, silly, baby filled blogs swimming around in my mind but it’s 1am and I can’t sleep.   I’m tired but sleep seems to be alluding me.  I’m snuggling on the couch with my two favorite cats watching old episodes of How I Met Your Mother and wondering when all the worries will finally let me head into dream land.

During the day it’s easier to remember the good stuff.  How lucky I am that I have such a wonderful family, a job I don’t hate, great friends, no major heath issues, and loving animals.  But then the worries come trickling in.  What if money gets too tight, what if Rose gets sick, what if something happens to Steve, what if something happens to one of the animals, what if I lose my job, what if, what if, what if.

Sometimes remaining positive about life is hard but I’m confident that in the morning, after my first snuggle with Rose and kiss from Steve, the good will once again outweigh the ‘what ifs’.

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Time to hit my reset button

I’ve sat down to write this blog about 10 times in the past few days.  I just can’t seem to get the thoughts out of my head and onto the computer.  This pretty much exemplifies why it’s time to press my reset button.  There are so many things I want to be doing but just can’t seem to get up off my lazy behind and do them.  Time for a re-evaluation of how I’m spending my time and what my true priorities should be.  And I’m taking Steve with me.  Wahahaha! (evil laughter)

For the month of October, in no particular order:

1.  No tv.  One of the biggest reason I’m not getting anything done for the betterment of myself in the evenings it the darned television.  It rarely gets turned on from the time we get home until Rose goes to bed as we are too busy making dinner and playing with our daughter but as soon as she is asleep, on it goes.  Then the rest of the evening is spent in front of it, allowing it to suck up the remains of the evening.  Nothing is accomplished except a little Facebooking on the laptop.  When this month is over I’m doing a thorough analysis of the shows that I watch and take out of the lineup any that I don’t really like.  I’m guessing I will be able to take out at least half.

There will be a few exceptions.   Tuesday Boyscout Night with my mom and NCIS.  It’s a tradition that I love.  Movies from my dvd collection while I bake and knit.  It keeps both of them fun.  And last, hopefully at least one ‘date’ movie with Steve.

2.  No candy, caffeine or processed foods.  You hear that honey?  If you bring me my beloved mocha from Old Town Deserts it must be DECAF.  I don’t want to do a total ‘cleanse’ but I need to get this crap out of my body.  It’s not helping.  On that note, today (October 1st) had been very hard to stay awake at work.  I’m not looking forward to the caffeine headache I’m going to get tomorrow when I start going through withdrawal.  Ugg.

The exceptions here.  Most likely I will steal some of Rose’s Halloween candy on the 31st.  I’m just not that strong.  And any sugar and caffeine (via chocolate) that I ingest due to any baked goods I make this month will be acceptable although moderated.

3.  I will make a list of things I would like to get done and try to at least start one per night.  I have piles of half finished craft projects and who knows the last time I dusted the house.  I have a 1/4 finished baby blanket that I started BEFORE I was pregnant.  I want to get back into the genealogy of my family again and finally print out and scrapbook stuff from where I left off (2005).  I want to bake/cook the recipes that I have piled up in my cabinet.  I have a whole stack that I have made once, liked but am not sure if they are good enough to put in the permanent file.  The list goes on.

4.  I will take advantage of the fact that I can read a book uninterrupted with Rose asleep and READ.

5.  I will spend more quality time with Steve.  We haven’t had that much since Rose was born.  She is old enough now for us to rediscover each other again.

6.  Spend more time with my horse.  He is not ridable but I can pet him, groom him and generally love all over him.  I haven’t done near enough of that since Rose was born.  He deserves more.


7.  Take some time to evaluate where I am in life and where I want to be going.  Nuff said.


So I have blogged it, so it shall be.  😉

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A mothers prerogative

Today I had a plan. I was going to feed Rose at her usual 9:30-10am time then put her in the car seat and let her have her nap while I drove to the grocery store for the weeks groceries. This would get me to the store at a reasonable time which would give me plenty of time the rest of the day for chores. This was a great plan, a well thought out plan, a plan that would allow me to be one of those mommies who do it all and get things done. I had a plan.

Then, as I watched my little girl nurse herself into a milk coma, all thoughts of getting errands taken care of and chores done disappeared from my mind. As a working mom I get so little time with my baby during the week. An hour in the morning and two at night. I know she is being taken care of by a wonderful and loving woman during the day but it doesn’t stop me from missing her like crazy.

When she had slipped into a contented slumber, I curled up on the couch and snuggled her in my arms for her entire 2 hour nap with no regrets. Happiness truly can be found in the face of a sleeping baby.IMG_1880_edited

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