No, Steve did not buy this shirt in support of breast cancer awareness.
It was white.
Before I washed it.
With a red shirt.
On the plus side I now have a new pink Old Town Pizza night shirt.
Category Archives: working mom
No, Steve did not buy this shirt in support of breast cancer awareness.
Steve was gone this Friday for a boy scout overnight which was the perfect excuse to have our first sleepover. But first, bath time with Elmo (of course).
No slumber party is a true slumber party without snacks. (Note the required ketchup and ranch dipping stations) I had seen this concept on a couple of websites and it went over like gangbusters with Rose. She loved to have all the choices and dipping options. I loved that they were all healthy (everything was organic and/or whole grain).
We snuggled on the couches (I pushed two together and put a bunch of blankets and pillows on them) and watched Elmo to our (well her) hearts content. Love love love!
Being a working mother sometimes reminds me of how women with curly hair often wish it was straight and women with straight hair wish it was curly. When I’m at work I miss my little girl like crazy and wish I could be home with her. When I’m home with her for a week I start to wonder how the stay at home parents don’t go absolutely nuts. I love my daughter to death but after a week straight of ‘Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom! x 3,000’ I’m thinking of investing in ear plugs. I am not sure if I have the patience that it takes to stay at home with her all the time. The toddlerness really tests my temper at times.
I also get restless and miss the adult interaction of the work environment. A lot of my identity comes from what I do and I have a lot of pride in being an engineer. I know what I do will give my daughter a good example that she can be whatever she wants to be.
Plus, there is the biggest elephant in the room, money. I posted a while ago about what the money I bring home provides for my daughter. Without the hours I put in, the stress of balancing a demanding career and a demanding toddler and the terrible loneliness I feel sometime when I am sitting at my desk and know it will be a hours before I can wrap my arms around my little girl, I would never be able to have my daughter live in an place that will provide her a childhood full of natural wonders.
And, there is always that feeling that no matter how wonderful my daughters daycare is (and they are wonderful), if she was home with me, she would be learning all of my mannerisms, my expressions, my idiosyncrasies. I would be the one helping to shape her personality for more than a few hours during the weekdays. I would be in charge of every little thing that goes in her mouth and in her ears.
Most of me knows that she is happy and healthy and loved. Most of me knows that my working is best for our family financially. Most of me knows that I would be restless and unhappy at home all the time. It’s that little part, deep down inside. That little part that pokes me in the heart when I watch my daughter laugh over silly things or give me a hug and tell me she loves me just because. That little part that wishes…..
My dearest Rose,
Thank you so much for showing me why I work so hard every week day. Why I drag myself out of bed at 5am every weekday morning, drop you off at day care at a time most people’s alarm goes off (thank you Jenny for letting me drop her off so early!), drive to work in the dark, work my buns off for 9 hours (plus lunch), get home after 6pm and see you for only two hours before its time to tuck you in bed.
This weekend we had an epic time on the property. We pet horses, picked flowers, watched hawks soar in the sky, and laughed as lady bugs crawled across our hands. We lay under the an oak tree and watched the leaves blowing in the breeze. We went on a ‘field trip’ through the bushes and found hidden places where only the bunnies roam. We helped your daddy to pick up sticks in the pasture to put on the burn pile that you made sure we understood was ‘hot’. You helped me feed the horses and I watched as you told Ranger ‘neigh, neigh, neigh!’ with a finger pointing at his feed bucket that you just put down to tell him just where his dinner was. You protested with a loud “NO” whenever I dared to suggest that we go back inside. You spent an hour after Sunday night dinner with your grandma, wandering through grass as tall as you are, picking me flowers and showing her everything that is wonderful in nature.
Thank you again for let me know that you appreciated what I do so that you can live where you do. I do it for me, I do it for your daddy but most of all, I do it for you.
The simple joy of being outside in nature.
A few months ago my friend Melanee told me about an offer for two free nights at the Grand Sierra Resort in Reno. At first I thought it would be a fun thing for Steve and I and Rose to do before my birthday. Then I came up with the idea to make it a girls weekend and head up with my girlfriends as a getaway. However, as the weekend go closer I started to come to a realization. I was stressed. And tense. And overwhelmed with life. (Man I can feel myself tense up just thinking about it) I was snapping at Rose when she didn’t deserve it (I can find a better way to deal with her spitting out her food) and overreacting to little things Steve did (who cares that he posted a picture on his account on Facebook instead of mine like I asked, its not that big of a deal). My patience was gone.
Earlier this week, it became apparent to me that I needed to do something. It just wasn’t healthy to keep going like this.
Luckily I have an awesome, understanding friend so now, for the first time in 18 months, (plus 10 if you count the pregnancy) I am spending more than a few hours alone. It’s been an interesting experience as I have had to break out of my comfort zone in a number of ways. But good. Yes, very good.
A few things I learned a few things on my vacation:
- Even leaving work at 3pm doesn’t mean you will be where you want to be in time. Or anywhere near it. And that’s ok.
- If you travel over the pass on I-80 in the winter you may be stuck in traffic for two hours even though the road is “Open with only standard chain control”.
- Even with the delay (which was apparently Caltrans stopping traffic for some reason) Caltrans still rocks when it comes to snow removal compared to Nevadatrans (or whatever they are called). Even compared to driving over the pass and down steep mountainsides, driving the relatively flat roads in Nevada was H.E.Double Hockey Sticks.
- Thank goodness for Subarus.
- Nothing shows you that you really are a “strong, confident woman” than driving above mentioned roads, by yourself, in the dark.
- I was reminded why I started liking Brendan Fraiser so much. He was shirtless almost the entire time in George of the Jungle. Stupid movie but……
- I am married but not blind and that’s ok. (See 5.)
- I am fairly sure I need a new job. Years of broken promises are hard to get over. It’s made me very jaded for any new promises and even apparent changes in attitude. Unless there is something material to back them up soon it’s just not worth it anymore. I’ve become too bitter.
- Nail polish eventually dries up after 8 years and makes for a terrible manicure that you can’t remove because you didn’t pack any polish remover.
- Even a terrible manicure makes me feel a little more feminine and that’s a good thing.
- A medium bag of M&Ms; is a bit much for one person. Consuming an entire bag is not an impossible feet but does make you feel a little icky.
- People watching in a casino is fascinating.
- It also makes me realize that I am apparently the last person on the face of the earth who doesn’t text.
- Eating lunch by yourself isn’t too bad if you have a good book. A breakfast that you have to eat with two hands is a little stranger.
- Even if it’s been a few hours since you painted your fingernails, if you pick the above mentioned M&Ms; from your teeth with them, it will ruin your already terrible manicure.
- Eating by yourself, with the portion size in the US, leaves you with a lot of wasted food and makes you eat much more than you should.
- It feels good to walk with no agenda, no deadline, no little one clinging to your side/leg/back and even no distraction of another adult.
- It took a bit but I can walk confidently with no agenda, no deadline, not little one and no other adult.
- You can enjoy being by yourself but still miss your family terribly.
- Being alone can be a good thing. It builds confidence, helps you to center yourself and makes you realize again that you and only you need to be the author of your own story, the maker of your own dreams, and the your biggest fan.
I have a whole bunch of fun, silly, baby filled blogs swimming around in my mind but it’s 1am and I can’t sleep. I’m tired but sleep seems to be alluding me. I’m snuggling on the couch with my two favorite cats watching old episodes of How I Met Your Mother and wondering when all the worries will finally let me head into dream land.
During the day it’s easier to remember the good stuff. How lucky I am that I have such a wonderful family, a job I don’t hate, great friends, no major heath issues, and loving animals. But then the worries come trickling in. What if money gets too tight, what if Rose gets sick, what if something happens to Steve, what if something happens to one of the animals, what if I lose my job, what if, what if, what if.
Sometimes remaining positive about life is hard but I’m confident that in the morning, after my first snuggle with Rose and kiss from Steve, the good will once again outweigh the ‘what ifs’.
This Saturday Steve was off on a boyscout thing and my mom took Rose for the morning so I had some time to myself. A whole morning. To MYSELF. Oh what is a girl to do? I’ll tell you what, she is going to read a fluff book, surf the net, clean the kitchen,
weed her garden (look at all the garlic coming up around the anti gopher thingy),
give scratchies to her horse (isn’t he the cutest guy EVER?),
and sit in the warm sun while watching the birds float by the in breeze while marveling that I LIVE HERE.
I’ve sat down to write this blog about 10 times in the past few days. I just can’t seem to get the thoughts out of my head and onto the computer. This pretty much exemplifies why it’s time to press my reset button. There are so many things I want to be doing but just can’t seem to get up off my lazy behind and do them. Time for a re-evaluation of how I’m spending my time and what my true priorities should be. And I’m taking Steve with me. Wahahaha! (evil laughter)
For the month of October, in no particular order:
1. No tv. One of the biggest reason I’m not getting anything done for the betterment of myself in the evenings it the darned television. It rarely gets turned on from the time we get home until Rose goes to bed as we are too busy making dinner and playing with our daughter but as soon as she is asleep, on it goes. Then the rest of the evening is spent in front of it, allowing it to suck up the remains of the evening. Nothing is accomplished except a little Facebooking on the laptop. When this month is over I’m doing a thorough analysis of the shows that I watch and take out of the lineup any that I don’t really like. I’m guessing I will be able to take out at least half.
There will be a few exceptions. Tuesday Boyscout Night with my mom and NCIS. It’s a tradition that I love. Movies from my dvd collection while I bake and knit. It keeps both of them fun. And last, hopefully at least one ‘date’ movie with Steve.
2. No candy, caffeine or processed foods. You hear that honey? If you bring me my beloved mocha from Old Town Deserts it must be DECAF. I don’t want to do a total ‘cleanse’ but I need to get this crap out of my body. It’s not helping. On that note, today (October 1st) had been very hard to stay awake at work. I’m not looking forward to the caffeine headache I’m going to get tomorrow when I start going through withdrawal. Ugg.
The exceptions here. Most likely I will steal some of Rose’s Halloween candy on the 31st. I’m just not that strong. And any sugar and caffeine (via chocolate) that I ingest due to any baked goods I make this month will be acceptable although moderated.
3. I will make a list of things I would like to get done and try to at least start one per night. I have piles of half finished craft projects and who knows the last time I dusted the house. I have a 1/4 finished baby blanket that I started BEFORE I was pregnant. I want to get back into the genealogy of my family again and finally print out and scrapbook stuff from where I left off (2005). I want to bake/cook the recipes that I have piled up in my cabinet. I have a whole stack that I have made once, liked but am not sure if they are good enough to put in the permanent file. The list goes on.
4. I will take advantage of the fact that I can read a book uninterrupted with Rose asleep and READ.
5. I will spend more quality time with Steve. We haven’t had that much since Rose was born. She is old enough now for us to rediscover each other again.
6. Spend more time with my horse. He is not ridable but I can pet him, groom him and generally love all over him. I haven’t done near enough of that since Rose was born. He deserves more.
7. Take some time to evaluate where I am in life and where I want to be going. Nuff said.
So I have blogged it, so it shall be. 😉
Rose assisted me in sorting. Notice she went straight for her yogurt melts.
All done. For now.